Still Going

God commands His disciples to go into all the world, making disciples and baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I became a Christian when I was 4, and my whole life has been devoted to following this command. I have gone, ministered, built relationships, and worked hard for Christ. Sometimes I forget that I won't completely follow that command until I've been on its receiving end. I need to allow myself to be discipled and trained. God wants a growing, personal relationship with everyone--including me. Even though He's sent me to lift up others and disciple them, it's not a sin to need lifted up myself. It doesn't make sense to spend my life working on others' relationships with God while placing them at a higher priority than my own. It's like I'm running around introducing people to the most amazing person I've ever met, but I get so involved in the introductions that I don't spend enough time with Him myself. God calls us to make many sacrifices in life. He asks us to give up everything for Him, but it's easy to get caught up in the sacrificial spirit and feel like I must also put my own relationship with Him on the back-burner for the betterment of others.
As I write these words, I don't know what to think about them. I am saying this to myself, but I don't know if I believe it, or even if I should. I feel tired, down, and almost depressed. I am trying to figure out whether my desire for a break from slum life comes from selfishness or from a genuine need to be filled up. It's true that I place others' relationships with God at a priority to my own time with Him, but I've never thought of that as wrong before. Is it wrong? Or should I also be selfless in that, trusting that God will give me what I need to keep going? The fact is, I am not filled up, I am tired, and I know that I am lacking something. The guilt of knowing that I am missing something weighs on me, and my pride won't admit that I am not as far along as I thought. Hey, I just admitted it. Well, I guess there's a start. When all else fails, and I don't know what to do, I can just go back to the beginning:
Lord, I am a sinner. I am selfish and prideful. My thoughts don't please you. I confess and repent these things to you. Kill the me in me, and fill me with you. I know it will be painful, and at times I will use all the strength in my weak body to hold onto what I think I want. Open my eyes to everything inside of me that hurts you, and make it hurt me too. Change me from the inside out. Take me through whatever pain I must endure to feel Your joy and love again. Pull out all of my trash that I think is treasure and make room to fill me with more of You. Even as I pray this I am fighting it, but I trust that you know what I want better than I do. So just do it.